I woke up one day and felt … different.

A number of years dealing with some of the tough things in life had kind of kicked the joy out of me. I am still dealing with some tough stuff but I have been moving towards a very different feeling.

I am and have always been a relatively optimistic person. Sometimes so much so that it has been an irritant for some people around me. At least, I think it has. I have always felt that I would figure things out. And I have. I have always felt that things would work out, even when the skies were black and stormy, I hung on to the belief, no actually it would be more correct to say knowledge, that things would be okay.

A divorce 4 years ago from my best friend of some 30 years shook me to my core. There had been rumblings and my intuition tried to tell me that the rumblings were not good. I ignored the rumblings and told my intuition to be quiet. I did not want to face what I truly knew was coming. Ignore it and it will go away. Turn away from it and it will not happen. If we don’t talk about it, face it, it’ll be okay. It was just too scary. That was the last time I didn’t listen to my intuition.

It is never pleasant when the world as you know it comes tumbling down around you. The foundation that I had built my life on cracked and caved in. I was ill prepared for the emotion involved. Not only did I need to deal with my own emotions but I had to deal with those of my son whose world had also crashed. I question whether I tackled it well. Some things yes, others no. I know today that I inflicted pain unwittingly. I can’t change that. I don’t know if I could have done it differently. Perhaps.

I stood up on the tumbled foundation and began to do some serious repair work. I used the network that I had. I expanded the network. I cleared the rubble and have now built up a reasonably solid structure to build on. And the construction is going well.

The thing that hadn’t yet fallen into place was the joy that I have always felt very lucky to feel inside. The total abandon to laughter. Seeing beauty in the small everyday occurrences was missing. The smile never quite reached my eyes. My heart was still heavy. There are still some tough life lessons going on in my life. I would really appreciate a short break from this classroom however things are as they are and life goes on as they say.

Something is different today from just one month ago. My situation hasn’t changed much. September 8th was different somehow. For the first time in a very, very long time, I felt those bubbles again. That absolutely magical sensation deep inside my soul – of joy!!! I wanted to dance, laugh, throw a hat in the air. I blew soap bubbles instead. My dog barked. I bubbled at the very core of me. What has happened?

A very fundamental shift has taken place. I have stopped holding on to the things from the past. I have let go of those things that I can’t do a damn thing about. Courage. To let go. I have allowed myself to be sad. I needed to allow myself to be happy, to be glad. To feel joy. I found the courage to let go of what I can’t change. I allowed myself to be. It has made all the difference. I think it is time to be happy again.