Just watched a Ted Talk about procrastination. Tim Urban – a master procrastinator.

I have a cover letter to write that I really don’t know how to start, which is why I am on YouTube watching inspirational Ted Talks. Makes sense.

Tim Urban talks about the difference between the mind of a normal functioning non-procrastinator and his – a procrastinator mind. The major difference he has found is the presence of the Instant Gratification Monkey. I can relate.

Unfortunately, the Monkey has a great deal of influence over the Rational Decision-Maker. I think that we all know the conflict that arises between the Rational Decision-Maker and the Instant Gratification Monkey. Even if our brains aren’t in procrastination mode on a daily basis, most of us have experienced the pull of something that is fun and easy and makes us feel good right now, over the “to-do” item on our list that demands some preparation and that only after hours or days of hard “slog” gives a feeling of gratification. Hands down, “now” wins more often than not. That conflict is real and constantly taking place for a procrastinator.

Tim then introduces the Panic Monster. As Tim Urban explains it, the Panic Monster actually ends up becoming the driving factor for the procrastinator. When the deadline for whatever it is we are procrastinating about approaches, the panic monster wakes up. It is at this point that we enter the realm of chaos. The Monkey scoots up the nearest tree and the Rational Decision-Maker takes the helm and we cram for 72 hours straight and meet the deadline. My son, “cramming” for his final exam. Which he passed by the way. This anxiety can be very effective albeit not healthy as a constant companion in the long run. And how did I end up on this tangent?

Oh right, my cover letter. I am job searching. Writing my cover letter is rather important. Writing a good one is essential. I would like to be considered for the position that I am applying for. I would really like to be invited for a conversation. It is, dare I say critical, when applying for a position that I have limited work experience with but feel a burning passion for, that my cover letter leaves a positive impression. Especially since this is a path that I know deep in my heart is the one I am to follow.

So I am going to trick my Instant Gratification Monkey. Is this possible? Can this be done? Is that even an option? While scrolling YouTube this morning – don’t laugh, the Monkey was still in charge at that point – I happened upon a video of Nerd HQ “Conversations for a cause” from 2013 with Zac Levi and his guest Tom Hiddleston (Avengers). Not something I had seen before but I stopped a while and ended staying for the hour long conversation. You know that feeling when your intuition nudges you? There was something I was there to hear. Two things actually. Tom quoted a friend, who quoted Confucius “We have two lives. The second one begins when you realise you only have one.” This was in response to a question about where he draws his positivity from. He wants to live that one life. He continued that negativity, negative thoughts, are just clouds passing. Let them go. Life is just too amazing. And it is.

He went on to say “Don’t be afraid of your passion. Give it free rein. And be honest and work hard. It’ll all turn out ok. Give yourself permission to care” Ok. Eyes open – heart open. I will. I am. It resonates with me – the following statements: “It’s so much easier to lose when you’ve shown everyone how much you don’t care whether you win or lose. It’s much harder to lose when you show that you care, but you’ll never win unless you also stand to lose.” So – Instant Gratification Monkey off you go. Climb your tree. Even though the Panic Monster hasn’t yet reared it’s anxious head, I actually have a deadline. I have to get this done and it has to be near perfect. Because this matters. And I do care.

My mother-in-law died recently. Just a couple of weeks ago in fact. 06 March at 17:32. Why I noticed the time I have no idea. I just did. She did not have covid19. She died of the complications of having cancer for a long time. She lived with cancer – pancreatic. Her operation to remove the cancer was in 2016. She beat the odds for a long while. The percentage of people with this cancer who live past the first year is only 5%.
My mother-in-law, Mette – a tough lady with humour was how a close friend described her. She loved family gatherings and having people drop by for coffee. She thought about others, concerned with their well-being. I have only known her with cancer and with the thoughts and worry that cancer brings with it. I would have liked to have met her before the worries overwhelmed her. She did not accept that she wouldn´t live for another 10 years. She went for walks in the neighbourhood where she and her husband Benny, had settled 50 years earlier. Building their own house alongside the neighbours who also had chosen the same little town away from the city bustle. The neighbourhood grew. The house was built not far from Roskilde fjord. Water. A magnet for Mette – walking distance from water was best. She and Benny walked to the water many, many times even when things got tough for both of them. Benny has Parkinsons. A robber. A thief. Stealing abilities taken for granted through life. Stealthily taking over areas of the mind, areas of cognitive function in the brain, prompting fantasies to become reality, making time stand still. So while Mette fought her demons, both the dark thoughts and the limitations enforced by a body fighting a foreign invader 24/7, and Benny battled on through the debilitating effects of his illness, they walked the neighbourhood. Down to the fjord. Down to the next street and over and back. Down to the end of their street and back. Down to the neighbour three doors down and back. Until Benny couldn´t anymore without being wobbly and Mette worried he would fall. Mette was OK. She could manage. She walked. As long as she kept up with the kemo, every other week with a break once in awhile, she could manage. She wasn´t ill. Admirable. She didn´t want her illness to overshadow her life and she didn´t want anyone to worry.
We brought Benny to visit Mette the Wednesday before she passed away. He said goodbye. Gave Mette a kiss.
Thursday I could still talk to Mette. Her responses were simple – her requests basic – water, sit up, wet her lips. I sat by her side. Held her hand. Crocheted a little hand towel.
The sun streamed in the big window where her bed had been placed so she could look out. Feel the light. She loved light, loved the sun and the warmth it gave.
Friday I remembered music. Last Night of the Proms which she liked. A little candle – LED but still it flickered like a candle. We were there. Let her know we were there. Held her hand. Let her know that when she was ready it was ok for her to go. To start the next journey – a journey we couldn´t be a part of. There were flowers. As the light began to fade she seemed to make up her mind. She opened her eyes oh so briefly. We were with her. We held her hands. She took a few short breaths. Then no more.
There was no drama. There was simply no more. I opened the window a while after. Her soul, her spirit could fly when ready. Safe journey Mette. We tidied up the room. Gathered up her belongings. Spoke with the nurses. Took our leave. There was no more.

Happy new year!
I have spent a fair bit of time today on social media. Just now my immediate thought was – what a waste of my precious few hours of free time! And yet…
It has made me stop and sit.
It has made me stop and think.
Looking back and thinking forward as is the custom on the first day of a new year. Today the first day of a new decade.
I have come to a conclusion – more reflection is needed. Constructive reflection. Digging into my mind’s drawers and cupboards. Finding files and doing that sorting thing. Save. Delete. File for later. I have no desire to reach the ctrl-alt-delete stage. Self care is on the agenda.
Best ingredient for constructive reflection? Time.
Time with friends.
Time with family.
Time with me.
Time to delve into the dark matter, the fun stuff, the tears and the laughter.
Time for deep conversations – we don’t often do those.
Time for experiences – together and alone. A walk in the woods. A night under the stars. A play. A scouting weekend. A good movie. A new destination. My town. The world. Time for exploring the outside and the inside.
Time doing the things that make me feel good – that expand and open my mind. Time spent scribbling, drawing.
Time with the people that enable, accept, challenge, care and love – finding the inspiration and the courage to do just that.
Time.
I really do wish you a happy new year, and me. Let’s do our utmost to have a good time.

Sitting in the morning calm.
Reflecting.
It is that time of the year.
Looking back, 2019 has been a turbulent year.
A year that sat me on my ass.
Physically and in my head.
I am still dealing with both.
Though I am standing, the tall bit is still a work in progress.
I was tempted to write that I was looking forward to seeing the ass end of this year but..(pun intended)
I have thought a great deal over a comment heard recently “we must remember to celebrate the defeats we experience as it is from our defeats that we learn” not new but very relevant this year.
So I sit.
And reflect.
Taking time to reflect and attempt to sort through the challenges and learn from the experiences.
Reflecting, keeping in mind all the wonderful, good stuff too.
The quietly beautiful, breathtaking moments that also happen and that, if you have your positive hat on, make all the difference in the world.
2019 – I celebrate you and eyes wide open look forward to the new year.
BRING IT ON!!!

“Mama?”

“Yes?”

“My head is talking to me again. What is it I am supposed to do when my head talks too much. I can´t think properly.”

Mama smiled. The smile was warm and understanding. Mama put down her cup of coffee on the kitchen table. The room was warm as the sun shone through the curtains.

“Come here sweetie. Your forehead is all wrinkled up.
Those thoughts that race through your head bothering you again?”

“They just jump around Mama. First one thing then another. First one way then another. Some of it makes sense maybe? And some of it is just silly. Some of it scares me Mama. How do I make it stop?”

“Baby, have you got your traffic light? Can you see it in your mind´s eye sweetie? Ok? Good. Close your eyes luv. That traffic light – it must not be working quite right seeing as the thoughts, they are racing around in your head. Flashing yellow right? Jep, thought so. Now we gotta get you out of the traffic and in to the sidewalk. When you get to the sidewalk then you can just stop and look at all the thoughts racing away this way and that. You will be out of the way and they won´t keep bumping into you. So lets have you turn the light to red – say STOP.”

Eyes shut tight. “STOP!!!” Wrinkled brow. “STOP!!!! Oh. Ok. The light is red.”

“The thoughts stopping now?”

“No. Wait! Now they are. Slowly. Jep mama, my head isn´t talking so loud now.”

“Are you on the sidewalk by the traffic light? Ok. Good.”

“The thoughts are jumping around mama. The noise is starting again mama. Make it stop.”

“Oh I forgot something. You need to let the thoughts go on their way so they can continue out of your head. You control the light. Turn the traffic light to green. As long as you are on the sidewalk they can´t bother you. Is the light green? Ok. The thoughts can continue on their way. You can just let them go. Watch them from the sidewalk. Wave goodbye if you want.”

“Mama, they are moving now. They are going away. They were so big before, now they are tiny!”

A careful smile and a less wrinkled brow.

“Good sweetie. Just watch them fade into the distance in your mind. The thoughts can just go on their way. Open your eyes baby. What book shall we read? Your turn to choose.”

A hug. A look along the line of books in the bookcase. A favourite picked out and carried over to the comfy couch. Mama picks up her cup of coffee. Chaos averted. They take turns reading and the thoughts, now ignored, chatter less. Disgruntled yet powerless, unprotesting the thoughts continue on their way.

Spinning and spinning and spinning!! Pirouettes with eyes closed!
Smiling and laughing. Grinning ridiculously. Tears of joy.
Grinning with all over silliness.
Music touching the very core – the heart of my soul. My spirit.
Where did this come from? Where had it been? Silly oh how silly!
I want more!! I dance around the room. Hugs – for myself.
Joy for myself. Laughing for myself, by myself. Oh what freedom!

I have a puzzle to solve, a million piece jigsaw to put together – for me. Millions of pieces stacked, no picture defined. I am making it up as I go along.
Want to come? Walk with me. The mosaic – pieces – fragments – colour of friends – colours of places – fragrances – of people – of delicious meals – of places – music too – grout yeah the glue – the sticky bits – the laughter – the tears – the hugs and the smiles. The friendship, the heartbreak, the companionship, the love. I want it all. I want to feel it all. I want to live MY life!

Without me, having myself along for the ride, I am nothing. An empty shell. A shadow. I need me and I want life! Raucous. Disorderly. The messy bits. Love! All kinds! Peace. Joy. Fun. Friends. Loud music. Lovers. Dancing. The moon. Darkness. The warmth of the sun. I am taking it all and it is my life. Me. Take me or leave me. I hope you’ll come along. I love to share.
Dancing and spinning and laughing out loud. Clarity! What joy! What freedom!

In a flower pot where the flowers had bloomed during the summer, we were regularly visited by a little bee. The bee would crawl in under a leaf at the side of the pot, be gone for a short while and then “buzz off” only to return shortly after. A ground bee, was making a perfectly tubular tunnel in the earth in the flower pot. We noticed, after a while, that it had begun to traipse in with bits of leaves. Renovating perhaps? Some of the pieces were as big if not bigger than the bee itself! And what in the world was it building in there? The month of July and August passed as did the flower in the pot and we thought no more of it. The other day, since I was tired of looking at a lovely flower pot filled with nothing but earth and dried up summer blooms, I bought a lovely white late summer chrysanthemum to brighten things up. As I was loosening the earth in the pot I cast my thoughts back to those lovely warm, no, hot days of summer and remembered our little visiting busy bee. I cleared the earth carefully from the side it kept visiting and I found small packets made of leaves. They looked like little bullets, flat on the one end and rounded at the other and the leaves were tightly rolled around something. I carefully pulled one apart and inside was a precious little larve – the beginnings of a bee! And there were so many little bullets! That little bee had been very, very diligent in its mission. It had certainly done it’s bit to ensure the survival of the species! Curiously enough, a few days before we had seen a documentary about the bee – how important these little fellas are to us humans and what we can do in our own back gardens to help them survive – so I put the little bee-lings that I had unintentionally disturbed, back along the side of our flower pot, covered them with earth and planted my chrysanthemum alongside them. It will be exciting to see them crawl out of the pot when spring heralds its return. I hope they survive the cold. I trust in mother nature, she’s been looking after earth’s creatures for a very long time, so I am sure that there will be a swarm of small pollen spreading bees taking flight from the edge of our flower pot come spring. Hope they just buzz off! 🐝🍯❤️

Beautiful blue sky,
sun shining at full blast,
the birds laughing in the air.
Summer is shining.
The day awaits,
Beckoning,
Time smiles, a few minutes yet,
Take it easy.
Not a care in the world,
This minute, this second.