I am sitting on my bed.
It is time to sleep. Sleep?? I am out of my mind!
The thoughts are running, jumbled, colliding, all mixed up in my head.
What have I done? Why did I write those words? What was I thinking? Was I thinking? Have I fucked everything up? I am so stupid! Why could I not just leave well enough alone? Why do I let the child in me reign? UGH!!!!!!!!!! ARGH!!!!!
Breathe I tell myself. Hold tight. Don’t jump off the deep end. Breathe.
PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER!!!!

We live in a world of constant contact. I am not so sure that this is healthy. In fact, looking at my own reactions today, I am convinced that it can be extremely unhealthy for those of us that have sensitive natures and are prone to anxiety.
We have become used to receiving responses to questions within minutes. Conversations that last all day. We never say goodbye. The sentence is just left hanging in messenger without an end. Questions asked but never answered. Plans half made, never confirmed. For those of us with sensitive minds and sensitive hearts this is devastating. What have I said wrong? Can this be interpreted another way than intended? Why is there no response? Why? What did she mean by that? Have I trod on his feelings? Have I assumed too much? Could I have said it another way to make it perfectly clear? Messages read and reread and read once more, analyzed to the last dot. What have I said wrong since no response is forthcoming? And where do I take it from here? I am left powerless and helpless.

It is difficult to express feelings on messenger and with all due respect probably shouldn’t be done. Oh don’t get me wrong – the expression of them is actually easy enough, the words can write themselves if you so wish. But, but, but…how are they understood? Is the twinkle in your eye seen as you express your displeasure? Is the mild anger voiced, heard as just that? Is the love glimpsed behind the letters? I daresay the wording must be near perfect in order not to be misunderstood.

A telephone call is your voice. The nuances are there to be heard. If not quite understood, they can be discussed. Questions can be raised. Meanings clarified. A face to face over a cup of coffee so much better. The temperature of a conversation can be more easily measured when the particpants are actively involved which they usually are in a “live” conversation. Have we given up on the art of conversing? No. I don’t believe so but the written quick messaging is the favourite method of communicating and I fear that many things can be missed or misinterpreted.

Why my anxiety? I attempted to have a conversation with someone who, for one reason or another, did not participate in the conversation. It was very one sided. I attempted to explain something personal – let me reiterate not smart via messenger and the adult in me should have stepped in but alas neglected to do so – and I still do not know how I was received since I got no response. Was my attempt at an explanation understood as it was meant? Welcome anxiety response level 6. I fully appreciate and understand that there can be an ocean of reasons for the lack of desire to participate but none was communicated. And I am left speculating, feeling vulnerable, with a heart full of love and a head filled with doubt.